You know those people who just can’t let things go? The kind who hold grudges and get revenge over the smallest slights. Dealing with vindictive people is no fun, but you’re not alone. Lots of people have to handle people like this. The good news is that understanding why people act this way can help. Get ready to learn the top twelve reasons people get so vindictive and how you can handle these difficult personalities.
With some insight into the motivations behind vindictiveness and a few useful strategies, you’ll be ready to deal with even the touchiest people. This muscle has got your back. Read on to get the inside scoop so you can handle the vindictiveness you encounter with empathy and grace.
Table of Contents
Who are vindictives, according to psychology?
Vindictive people are those who can’t let go of perceived wrongs. Psychologists characterize vindictive individuals as having an excessive need for revenge that causes harm to themselves or others.
They Hold Grudges: Vindictive people tend to hold onto anger and resentment for a long time. They have trouble forgiving and forgetting even minor slights. They nurture grievances and continue to ruminate about the offense long after others have moved on.
They Seek Revenge: The vindictive person is motivated by a desire to “get even” with those who have wronged them. Their revenge is often disproportionate to the offense. They may engage in harmful actions meant solely to retaliate or “teach the other person a lesson.”. Their vengeance provides only temporary satisfaction before the cycle continues.
They Lack Empathy: Vindictive individuals typically lack empathy for others. They are often self-centered and view the world through a lens of perceived personal slights. They project their own hostile motivations onto others and assume the worst in people. This makes it difficult for them to understand other perspectives or forgive imperfect human behavior.
They Feel Inadequate: Underneath their anger and aggression, vindictive people typically feel inadequate, insecure, and powerless. Vengeance gives them a sense of power and control over situations where they otherwise feel vulnerable. Retaliating against others temporarily boosts their self-esteem by diminishing someone else. But the satisfaction never lasts.
The healthiest way to handle vindictive people is through empathy, avoidance of harmful actions, and maintaining proper boundaries. Do not engage in vengeance or hostility, which will only continue the cycle of harm. With support and self-reflection, vindictive individuals can overcome unhealthy thought patterns, let go of anger, and find more constructive ways of building self-worth and relating to others.
Vindictive Personality Traits
Vindictive personality traits often involve a strong desire for revenge or payback for perceived wrongs. Individuals with such traits may hold grudges, have difficulty forgiving, and exhibit behaviors aimed at harming others emotionally or socially. Understanding these traits can be crucial for conflict resolution and fostering healthier relationships.
1. They Feel Powerless
When people feel a lack of control or influence over their lives or circumstances, it can breed resentment and the desire to regain power in unhealthy ways. They may see vindictiveness as a way to feel in control again.
Have you ever lashed out at someone in anger because you felt disrespected or taken advantage of? This reaction often comes from a place of powerlessness. Rather than confronting the underlying feelings, it can feel good in the moment to get revenge or retaliate against the person who made you feel weak or vulnerable. But vindictive behavior only provides temporary relief while damaging relationships and trust in the long run.
They may displace their anger on others. The real source of their frustration could be a boss, family member, health issue, or other uncontrollable situation. It’s easier to take out those feelings on someone else rather than address the root cause. Recognizing this tendency in yourself and redirecting that anger and blame to the appropriate source is important for overcoming vindictiveness.
Their self-worth depends on controlling others. Some vindictive people struggle with deep insecurities and depend on the suffering or manipulation of others to feel good about themselves. They may view empathy and kindness as weaknesses and believe the only way to lift themselves up is by tearing others down. This is a harmful mindset that will continually damage relationships and, ultimately, the person harboring it.
The healthiest way to overcome these root causes of vindictiveness is by building your self-confidence from the inside out, through self-care, nurturing your strengths, and pursuing meaningful goals. Choose to empower yourself rather than overpower others. Make the decision to forgive and let go of anger and resentment. And accept that there are many circumstances outside of your control, but you can always control your reaction and choose a compassionate response.
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2. They Have Low Self-Esteem
Some folks with low self-esteem see others’ success and happiness as a threat, so they try to undermine it. Their sense of self-worth depends on proving they’re better than you, so they resort to hurtful actions.
They Tear Others Down to Build Themselves Up: When people feel bad about themselves, putting others down can temporarily make them feel superior. They criticize your looks, intelligence, accomplishments, or whatever else they think will diminish your confidence. Don’t let their words define your self-worth. Recognize that their insults say more about their own insecurities than your actual flaws or shortcomings.
They Envy Your Success and Joy: Seeing others thrive and accomplish meaningful goals highlights their own perceived failures and unhappiness. Rather than bettering themselves, it’s easier to try diminishing your success. Expect petty behavior like refusing to congratulate you or making snide, passive-aggressive comments to rain on your parade. Let their envy motivate you to continue succeeding while also showing them compassion.
They Manipulate and Spread Rumors: Insecure individuals often resort to manipulation and gossip to make themselves feel significant. They twist facts, share secrets, start rumors, and pit people against each other. Do not engage or retaliate. Confront them directly about the issue, set clear boundaries, and avoid further contact if possible. Do not let their schemes and drama drag you down or distract you from your purpose.
The actions of insecure people say more about their unhappiness than your shortcomings. Do not internalize their hostility or manipulation. With compassion for their suffering and belief in your own worth, you can rise above their pettiness. Ultimately, surrounding yourself with people who share your values of building others up will help diminish the sting of their vindictiveness.
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3. They Have Trouble Controlling Their Emotions
Some people lash out in anger or seek revenge because they struggle to regulate their emotions They may feel emotions intensely but lack the coping skills to deal with them in a healthy way.
They Lack Emotional Intelligence: Emotionally intelligent people can identify, understand, and manage their own emotions as well as the emotions of others. Those lacking emotional intelligence have trouble controlling emotional impulses and outbursts. They may say or do things in anger that they later regret. Developing emotional intelligence through self-awareness, empathy, and learning coping strategies can help overcome this tendency.
Their emotions get the better of them. For some, emotions like anger, jealousy, or resentment feel all-consuming in the moment. They have trouble taking a step back to get perspective or calm down. Acting on intense emotions often makes the situation worse and damages relationships. Learning to pause, take a few deep breaths, and let the intensity of the emotions subside can help avoid reacting in a vindictive manner.
They don’t address the underlying issues: Unresolved issues from the past, feelings of hurt or betrayal, and unhealthy thought patterns can all contribute to problems managing emotions. Working to understand the root causes of emotional reactivity and address them through self-reflection, therapy, or journaling is key. Doing so develops emotional maturity and stability, making vindictive behavior less likely.
In the end, gaining awareness and control over your emotions—rather than letting them control you—is one of the best ways to overcome a tendency toward vindictiveness. With work, emotional intelligence and coping strategies can be improved, allowing you to navigate relationships and conflicts in a healthier way.
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4. They Feel Envious of Others
Have you ever come across someone who seems to resent your happiness or success? Chances are, they are envious of you. Envy is a destructive emotion that can drive people to act in malicious ways. When someone envies you, they may try to undermine you or sabotage your achievements to make themselves feel better.
Rather than working on bettering themselves, envious people would prefer to drag you down. They seethe with resentment over the good fortune of others and the fact that they don’t have the same things or accomplishments. Your shiny new car, a promotion at work, a loving relationship, or a lavish vacation become sources of bitterness for the envious person.
Instead of being happy for other people’s joy, envious individuals feel it highlights their own perceived shortcomings and inadequacies. The green-eyed monster of jealousy rears its ugly head, provoking spiteful behavior. Unfortunately, the only way envious people know how to elevate themselves is by knocking others down in a misguided attempt to even the score.
The vindictive actions of the envious should not be taken personally, as hurtful as they may be. Their hostility says more about them and their self-loathing than it does about you. While their attacks can still be damaging, understand that envy is a reflection of their own insecurity and resentment. Do not let their bitterness poison you or dull your own happiness and success.
Rise above their pettiness. Do not engage or retaliate, as this will only make the situation worse. Continue to live well and focus on surrounding yourself with people who share your joy rather than resent it. In the end, the envious person’s bitterness will only make them more miserable while you continue to thrive. Let that be revenge enough.
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5. They Have Narcissistic Tendencies
Some vindictive people have an exaggerated sense of self-importance and entitlement. They demand constant admiration and praise from others, so any perceived criticism or sighting, no matter how small, is seen as a threat. Their fragile ego and inability to handle rejection cause them to lash out in revenge.
You may recognize a narcissistic, vindictive person by their lack of empathy, tendency to manipulate and exploit others for their own gain, and belief that they are superior and deserve special treatment. They crave power and control, so they will go after anyone they see as a threat to their status or self-image.
When dealing with a vindictive narcissist, do not feed their ego or give them the reaction they want. Stay calm and detached, set clear boundaries, and do not make excuses for their behavior or give them extra chances to make amends. They are unlikely to change, so limit contact with them as much as possible. Do not engage or argue, as this will only make the situation worse. Seek counseling or legal advice if they become threatening.
The healthiest approach is to not take their attacks personally, as difficult as that may be. Their vindictiveness says more about them and their own unhappiness. Do not stoop to their level. Remain confident in who you are and continue living your own life. Over time, their power over you will fade.
While it can be hard to understand why some people become so spiteful, recognizing the underlying reasons for their behavior can help reduce the hurt and frustration their actions cause. Do not give them control over your emotions. With strong boundaries and self-care, you can rise above their pettiness and prevent their vindictiveness from holding you back.
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6. They Lack Empathy
Being able to understand someone else’s emotions and perspectives is what allows us to build compassion and meaningful connections. However, some people struggle with empathy. They have a hard time putting themselves in other people’s shoes or seeing things from different points of view.
Without empathy, it’s easy to become resentful, judgmental and vindictive. People who lack empathy tend to see the world in black-and-white terms. They have a hard time understanding why someone may have hurt or offended them, even if it was unintentional. Instead of giving others the benefit of the doubt, they assume the worst.
Rather than trying to resolve issues through open communication, they seek revenge and retaliation. They want to inflict harm on those who have wronged them, even for perceived slights. It becomes a vicious cycle of attack and counterattack that helps no one.
If you have to deal with a vindictive person who lacks empathy, understand that their behavior says more about them than you. Do not engage or stoop to their level. Remain calm and compassionate while setting clear boundaries. Make it clear their actions are unacceptable, then disengage as much as possible. Seek help from others if you feel unsafe.
While you can’t force someone to develop empathy, you can lead by example. Model empathy, kindness, and understanding in your own interactions. Promote open communication and bring people together instead of stoking division. Over time, exposure to more positive behaviors may help decrease vindictiveness in others and create opportunities for growth. With support, even the least empathetic people can develop greater understanding and compassion.
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7. They Are Highly Competitive
Some people just have an intense drive to win and be the best. Their competitive nature fuels their vindictiveness. When they perceive someone as threatening their success or status, their instinct is to try to cut that person down.
Rather than being inspired by the success of others, competitive people often feel diminished by it. They see life as a zero-sum game where for someone else to win, they must lose. This scarcity mindset makes them view relationships as adversarial instead of collaborative. They constantly compare themselves to others and envy what other people have achieved or acquired.
Competitive individuals may try to sabotage their rivals or actively work against them. Don’t be surprised if a competitive person takes credit for your work or ideas, spreads rumors about you, or does other things to undermine you. Their vindictiveness comes from their belief that they must damage others to raise themselves up.
The healthiest approach to competitive people is not to engage or retaliate. Do not let their behavior provoke you or cause you to act vindictively in return. Remain confident in yourself and your own accomplishments. Do not waste time or energy comparing yourself to them or worrying about what they say about you to others. Ultimately, their competitiveness and vindictiveness stem from their own insecurities, not because of any real threat you pose to them. Maintain your own balanced perspective, and do not make their problems your own.
Rise above their pettiness, and do not give them power over you. Stay focused on your own life and purpose. Competitive individuals may never change, but you can choose not to participate in their rivalries and games. Do not let their vindictiveness drag you down to their level. Remain aloof from their schemes and continue taking the high road. In the end, that will diminish their ability to provoke or harm you.
8. They Have a Victim Mentality
Some vindictive people see themselves as victims in every situation. They believe the world is out to get them, and they blame others for their problems. When something goes wrong, it’s always someone else’s fault. This victim mentality causes them to lash out in retaliation and revenge.
People with a victim mentality struggle to take responsibility for their actions and the role they play in negative situations. They see themselves as helpless against the cruelty of the world. Everyone is against them, and they are not in control of their lives. This skewed perception of reality fuels their vindictiveness. They think they have to strike back to protect themselves.
If you encounter someone with a victim mentality, don’t engage in their blame game. Stay calm and composed. Let them vent if they need to, but don’t validate their accusations. Gently remind them that they have agency and influence over their lives. Suggest that they reflect on the situation to gain a more balanced perspective. It is recommended that they focus on the things within their control rather than blaming external factors.
With compassion and patience, you may be able to help shift their mindset to a more empowered one over time. But ultimately, they must be willing to accept responsibility for themselves and not see themselves as merely a helpless victim of circumstance. The journey to overcome a victim mentality and choose a more constructive response begins with them.
All you can do is offer your support and encouragement along the way. Refuse to attack them or seek revenge against them in return. Meet their vindictiveness with empathy and kindness instead. This approach is most likely to help them break free of their victim mentality and become a happier, healthier person as a result.
9. They struggle to Forgive
Holding onto anger and resentment is exhausting, yet some people just can’t seem to let go of past hurts. When someone has wronged them, even in small ways, they cling to their indignation and remain vindictive for years.
Some reasons why people struggle to forgive are:
- They feel the offender deserves punishment. They want the other person to suffer for what they did. But vengeance often makes the avenger feel worse, not better.
- Their ego and pride were wounded. Admitting they overreacted or that the offense wasn’t as bad as they thought means acknowledging their own flaws and imperfections. This bruises the ego.
- They gain a sense of power from anger. Feeling angry, especially when the anger is justified, gives some a rush of power and control over the situation. Forgiving means giving up that power and control.
- They confuse forgiveness with weakness. Many see forgiveness as letting the other person off the hook or as a sign of weakness. But true forgiveness is for your own peace of mind, not for the other person.
- They don’t know how to forgive. Forgiveness is a skill that must be learned and practiced. Without the proper tools and techniques, forgiveness will remain out of reach.
The truth is, as long as you choose not to forgive, you are allowing the other person to continue hurting you. Forgiveness is the only way to break free from their control and reclaim your peace of mind. While it’s not easy, the rewards of forgiveness are well worth the effort. Let go of anger and resentment, not because the other deserves it, but because you deserve to be happy.
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10. They Have Unresolved Anger Issues
Some people hold onto anger and resentment for a long time. They have trouble letting go of past hurts and injustices, whether real or perceived. This unresolved anger often builds up inside them until it erupts, and they lash out at others in mean, vindictive ways.
If someone acts vindictive towards you, it may be a sign they have anger that has been simmering for a while. Their hostility and aggression come from a place of pain, not a reflection on you. However, their behavior is still unacceptable. You don’t deserve to be treated that way.
A few things you can do:
- Don’t engage or argue. Stay calm and detached. Respond in a neutral, matter-of-fact tone without aggression or defensiveness. Your composure will make their anger seem unreasonable and prevent further escalation.
- Set clear boundaries. Be firm and direct, saying that their hostility and vindictive actions are not okay. Let them know their behavior is unacceptable and will not be tolerated. You may need to limit contact with them if the situation calls for it.
- Don’t internalize it. Do not take their anger and vengeance personally or let it make you feel bad about yourself. Their issues are not your fault. Do not engage in self-blame or second-guessing.
- Seek support from others. Talk to people who care about you and will provide empathy and a balanced perspective. Let your close ones know what is going on so they can support you. You may also consider speaking to a counselor.
The person acting out may eventually realize their anger and bitterness are only hurting themselves. However, you cannot force them to change or make them see the light. You can only control your own reactions and responses. Set the boundary, limit the impact on you, and take care of yourself. With time and distance, their anger may subside, but that is out of your hands. Your priority is maintaining your own peace of mind.
11. They Want to Be in Control
Some people just can’t stand when things don’t go their way or when others don’t do what they want. They have an overwhelming desire to control people and situations. When they lose control or feel out of control, their desire for power and dominance kicks into overdrive. They may act out in hurtful ways to regain the upper hand and make themselves feel powerful again.
If someone in your life tends to act vengeful when they don’t get their way, it’s likely because they have control issues. They want to call the shots and manipulate the situation and people to their advantage. When their attempts at control fail or they feel powerless, they lash out in anger and retaliation. They put others down to build themselves up and re-establish their authority.
The healthiest thing you can do is not engage in or react to their vindictive behavior. Remain calm and detached, and do not give them ammunition to use against you. Do not apologize or make excuses for their cruelty. Reply with simple, direct responses without emotion. Do not argue, justify, or defend yourself. Their desire to control you is really about their own internal struggles, so do not make their problems your problems.
You cannot control their control issues; you can only control your reaction. Do not give them power over you or buy into their manipulation. Do not engage in their drama or games. Stay focused on your own priorities and let their anger burn out on its own. The less reactive and engaged you are, the less satisfying their vengeful actions become. They may eventually realize that their behavior is ineffective and unproductive. But even if they don’t come around, you will have peace of mind by not feeding into their unhealthy need for dominance.
In summary, the healthiest way to handle vindictive behavior from controlling people is:
- Don’t engage or react emotionally
- Remain detached and calm
- Reply with simple, straightforward responses
- Do not argue, defend or justify yourself
- Do not make their problems your problems
- Stay focused on your own priorities
- Do not give them power over you or buy into manipulation
How to Deal With Vindictive People in Your Life
When faced with vindictive people, it can be hard to remain calm and rational. Their spiteful actions are designed to provoke you and make you act out in anger or frustration. The healthiest thing you can do is not give them that power over you.
Don’t engage or retaliate
Do not engage in their spiteful actions or retaliate. This will only make the situation worse and drag you down to their level. Remain polite but detached, and do not give them ammunition to use against you. Respond to their hostility with empathy and kindness instead.
Establish clear boundaries
Be very clear when communicating your boundaries to vindictive people. Let them know their behavior is unacceptable and will not be tolerated. You may need to limit contact with them as much as possible to protect your own wellbeing. Don’t be afraid to call out their actions when boundaries are crossed.
Focus on the present
Do not dwell on past wrongdoings or worry too much about what vindictive people may do in the future. Stay focused on the present moment and on your own reactions and choices. You cannot control others; you can only influence your own responses.
Seek outside support
Connect with others who understand what you’re going through. Call a friend or family member, or see a counselor. Talking about the situation can help give you clarity and ease feelings of upset or distress. Let others support you so you do not feel alone.
The actions of vindictive people say more about them than they do about you. Do not internalize their hostility or let it define you. Remain confident in yourself, focus on surrounding yourself with kind-hearted people, and work on maintaining inner peace. In time, the vindictiveness will fade, and you will move on to happier days.
Conclusion
You ultimately can’t control how other people act, but you can control how you respond. Don’t let someone else’s vindictiveness bring you down to their level. Take the high road, because lowering yourself to petty revenge or retaliation will just breed more negativity. Take a step back, breathe, and respond thoughtfully. Focus on living your best life. The energy you would waste trying to “get back” at someone is better spent on your own growth and happiness. Vindictiveness is often a sign of inner turmoil. You have the power to break the cycle by responding with empathy, not escalation. Keep being your best self, and don’t let others change who you are.
REFERENCES
- The Psychology of Revenge (and Vengeful People) When it comes to watching your back, hone in on narcissism and anger. Posted July 19, 2017
- Vindictive Behavior: A Qualitative Inquiry into Causes and Consequences among University Students (8358) Turkish Online Journal of Qualitative Inquiry (TOJQI) Volume 12, Issue 7, July 2021: 8358–8365, Research Article (PDF)
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